Hello Dear Friends! I’m not sure who reads this blog, but I just want to say “thank you.” You’re the best for reading my random thoughts. Hope they keep you entertained.

I finally bought a really nice DSLR camera last month and want to start using it. What better way to show my life than through pictures? Hopefully, I keep it up and start blogging more with pictures. I don’t know if anyone is interested, but maybe one day my children will be able to look back at this blog and know what my life was like. Technology can be cool like that.

Today was absolutely marvelous. Sometimes, God showers me with so much beauty that I think my heart is going to explode. I spent the morning reading my Bible and listening to a sermon by Matt Chandler. Goodness! It was so encouraging! I really hope I can start getting into the Word in the mornings from now on. It’s such a good way to start the day! School is back in session though so it may get kind of crazy. Thankfully, I don’t have classes on Mondays.

Anyways…..I was reading Galatians 2 this morning and really felt a love for the old church. They had so many problems! It’s comforting to know that they weren’t perfect because the church now is not perfect. Yet, Paul had a love for the Gospel. He knew that he was called to the Gentiles whereas Peter knew he was called to the Jews. What is your calling? God has different plans for each of us. Don’t compare yourself to another person’s life. That’s just silly!

Another great moment today was when I was driving home from Walmart. The sun was going down and I realized that it’s the little things in life that can keep us going. Contentment is one of the greatest gifts ever! I spend so much of my life looking towards the future that I often forget to live in the present. God has been reminding me to be content a lot lately. Maybe I’m finally listening. For instance, sunsets and sunrises are constantly beautiful (unless you live in a smoggy area). Yet, we often forget to see the beauty in them. I don’t think anyone loves sunsets and sunrises as much as I do. Oh dear! My entire phone is composed of countless pictures of sunsets.

Finally, I spent the evening making made-from-scratch blueberry cobbler. I think there’s something beautiful about a woman who can bake and cook marvelous things. Eventually, I’d like to get to the point where I can whip up amazing treats at the drop of a hat. Hospitality is not one of my strong points. But, I’m getting there….hopefully. Anyways, I do hope you have an amazing day and watch the sunset/sunrise!

Faith

I always feel inadequate at, well, basically everything. I grew up believing that the person who does the most things wins. This is why I would strive so much in high school, believing that if I got into a great college, I wouldn’t be considered a “loser.” I hear it all the time — that people who don’t go to college are losers, that people who have kids while they’re young are losers, that people who never move from their hometown are losers.

But today, I’m seeing through different eyes. There is nothing we can do to make ourselves “worthy” of God, of success, of anything really. Everything that could be done has been done. When Jesus died on the cross, it was his way of saying, “You can now be counted worthy because of ME.” It’s all because of Jesus.

Our lives should be less about what we can do and more about the heart behind it all. Who are we doing it for? If we live selfish lives full of selfish ambition, we will have missed out on a great joy. Jesus came to set us free from living for ourselves, ambition, and success. Keep your eyes on Jesus. I no longer what to live my life for my own success, but to see the name of Jesus lifted.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3 (NLT)

You may not think much of this picture—it is just another busy New York sidewalk. But this means something more to me. Just before this picture was taken, a young girl was sitting on this sidewalk. She sat on the pavement while hundreds of feet shuffled by. She was frowning, her eyes were full of despair. She held a sign reading that she had no money. The instant I saw her, I became full of fear, for she seemed angry and unfriendly. I walked past her barely thinking anything. Suddenly, an old familiar voice tugged at my spirit. “Go back to her and talk to her.” “Lord, what will I even say to her?” “Go talk to her.”

It was a voice I knew I couldn’t silent. A rush of butterflies exploded in my stomach. I looked back at her and noticed how young she looked. Immediately, I thought of all the horror stories I had heard of girls who were forced into prostitution. How many of them were also forced to beg for money? I do not know what went over me, but I walked to her, quickening my pace with every step. I knelt down and she looked at me.

Her eyes no longer looked harsh, but instead softened and began to shine. Her frown was no longer angry, but was turned into the most brilliant smile I have ever seen. I was taken aback by it — by the majestic beauty of her. From afar she looked young, yet from close up, she looked like a doll that has gone through wear and tear, tirelessly trying to not fall apart. Her bones were showing and her eyes looked swollen. Yet, I could not help but see her beauty. My heart melted.

“Do you want to have lunch with me?” Her smile faded. Nervously looking around she replied, “I can’t. My boyfriend is supposed to pick me up in 30 minutes.” My heart sunk. A hundred bad situations flashed through my mind. “But if you come back in an hour, we can.” I knew she would most likely not return but agreed nonetheless. “I’m Faith, by the way.” She shook my hand, “I’m Angela.” We said our goodbyes and I walked away.

I went back to that spot an hour later and noticed she was not there. I waited for a while but she never showed. Looking back at the situation, I deeply regret not sitting on the sidewalk with her until her boyfriend showed up. I could have said or done something more.

I know nothing of this young girl. She may have been homeless, she may have been abused, she may have grown up in a broken home, and she may have been a runaway. I guess I will never know. But, I learned something that day. Everyday we pass by people, people that may have a rough exterior, but who can, if we let them, make our hearts melt. They are like angels in disguise. We can be afraid to see the forgotten because we do not know how they will respond. In my experience, it is almost always with more gratitude than I can take in. I noticed that nobody was talking to this girl. Most people did not even see her. How many people do we miss because we are busy?

The only hope I have is knowing that God sees Angela. He sees the millions of others with aids that are ignored. He sees the slave being abused and misused by hundreds of men and women. He sees the woman and man on the sidewalk. If He sees and cares for them, shouldn’t we?

Usually, I meditate on the past new year and all that happened to soak it all in. Except, I’ve been incredibly busy hanging out with relatives so I haven’t thought much about anything to be honest. It’s crazy how busyness can do that to a gal. So, I thought, “Hey, I might as well write an end of year blog post about all that God has graced me with this past year. Consider this my reflection:

I went to East Asia! Never in a hundred years did I think I’d be headed there. I had no desire to, but God is kind of funny like that. It literally happened like this:

Friend: Hey! Are you going to East Asia?

Me: No, I don’t think so. Well, maybe.

Friend: I think I want to go.

Me: Okay. I think I’ll go.

Just like that! What a trip! God showed me His sovereignty on that little adventure. He showed me how He can bring us to places we never would have dreamed of. He sees potential in us that we don’t see in ourselves. What a loving God!

This year, I accomplished a new year’s resolution! That’s pretty much a first in my book. The goal was to play a show every month. In case you didn’t know, I write and play music. God opened more doors this year than the year before. It was fun meeting new people and making new friends from all over the place. Music brings people together. I also had my first co-writing session. It was one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever done before. God definitely had to break down some walls of pride. It turned out well though

God showed His faithfulness to me this year. If you’ve been following this blog, you know that I’ve been stuck in the waiting season of my life. I’ve been getting into another season the past couple of months, but the entire last year was full of me trying to be patient. It was such a challenging and difficult season! Waiting is never fun, but it’s necessary if we ever intend to grow. You can’t just plant a seed and expect it to bloom the next day! The way I see it is that the bigger the tree is going to be, the longer it is going to grow to reach its height. Just think of the waiting period as a preparation period. You’re preparing for something grand.

Anyways, I am off subject! What I meant to say is that God showed His faithfulness to me this past year by sending me to New York! I prayed in 2010 that God would send me to New York so I can go to Hillsong. I also prayed that He would use me in the summer. Well, he answered! I had the privilege of attending a Summer Project with Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ).

It was so so so incredible. I learned about using art for God’s glory. I saw God provide. I met amazing, INCREDIBLE college students from all around America. He taught me that life is not a competition. He showed me His love, which in turn, showed me my own worth in Him. I really cannot put into words what God did in my heart, but let’s just say it was life changing.

I am quite sure that so much more happened, but when I think of 2011, those are the things that come to mind. It was fun, it was fabulous, it was trying, it was agony, but I’ve made it through! This year came with a lot of lessons. I can say with full confidence that I am a wiser person because of the grace God has shown me this year. He filled me when I was empty and showed me His mercy when I was restless. Most of all, He reminded me to remember Him — to remember Him when I am busy, when I am weak, when I am annoyed, when I am impatient, when I am rejoicing, when I triumph, when I fail.

I am a bit scared of the upcoming year because it means that I am closer to graduation (I become a senior this year. Yikes!). There is so much uncertainty in my mind, but God is always good and always faithful. Let’s see where He decides to lead me next.

¹ But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush^[a] and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”

 ⁸ Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
who have ears but are deaf.
⁹ All the nations gather together
and the peoples assemble.
Which of their gods foretold this
and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
so that others may hear and say, “It is true.”
¹⁰ “You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD,
“and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.
¹¹ I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.
¹² I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “that I am God.
¹³ Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?”

Isaiah 43:1-13

Faith

If you walk into a high school, middle school, or college, you will see tons of young adults/teenagers/pre-teens on their cell phones. Being 21 years old myself and the proud user of an iPhone, I can definitely say that I have a problem. I am constantly on twitter or facebook or pinterest or tumblr or some other social networking site. I know them all. I’m always checking my e-mail, always doing something on my phone. The thing is, I think it’s only going to get worse as time goes by. The more people that have internet on their cell phones, the more people there are going to be that are disconnected from the world. I’m not saying that iPhones or whatever phones there are in the world are evil, but mostly, it’s just the fact that we don’t know when to plug it off and communicate with real people in real time.

I consider myself a bit of a hermit. I absolutely love spending all day watching movies inside with a cup of tea. If I am out of my apartment, I’m probably on my phone acting like I’m paying attention to whoever it is that is talking to me in real life. However, I have noticed this past semester that the more I choose to be disconnected from the world, the more awkward I am with real people. This leads to me not having conversations with many people. This leads to me choosing to stay home rather than get outside. This leads to me wasting my life. I have wasted so much of my life lately.

What caused this sudden realization? I actually chose to not be on my cell phone this week doing useless things. Instead, I chose to look outside. Oh my goodness. How beautiful is it out there?! My God created that Earth! For the first time in a long time, I felt alive. I spoke to people. I listened to people. I danced with people. And I know you can do stuff like that with people on the Internet, but let’s face it…it’s not the same.

My advice for you this week? Open your eyes and put down the computer/cell phone. There is a world out there that God created. It’s time to see it.

Anyways, I feel like God has been chasing me down with this message of holding on. Do you ever feel like every single message from every single sermon you listen to is about the same thing? Even if the preachers have no relation to one another, they all seem to preach the same things at the same times! It’s like God knows what we’re going through. Weird.

Last night, I was reading Isaiah 36. The entire thing is about the King of Assyria’s message against the Lord. He tells the people,

“Do not let Hezekiah deceive you, for he will not be able to deliver you; nor let Hezekiah make you trust in the Lord, saying, “The Lord will surely deliver us; this city will not be given into the hand of the king of Assyria.”"

Isaiah 36:7

Basically, the King is saying, “Why are you trusting in a God that has not come through for you? In matter of fact, we’re going to reign over you! Might as well give up this God of yours.” Geeezzzzz. I kinda feel like the devil says the same things to me, “Give up on the dreams God has laid in your heart, Faith. Nothing is happening with them. You’re never going to know freedom. You’re relying on someone’s strength who isn’t even there! You should just work in your own strength. Do what feels good to you. You don’t need anyone. You don’t need to pray to a God that doesn’t listen or care. He isn’t going to fulfill you anyways.”

What a stupid little prick!

That’s almost exactly what Sennacherib said to God’s people. He tried to convince them that all these bad things were happening to them so their God must not even exist! He would deliver them wouldn’t he? How many times do we pray and pray, believing God for miracles, for Him to keep His word, to be our fulfillment…yet we get discouraged because we don’t see anything. Not yet at least.

I’m constantly reminded of the story of Esther. God worked behind the scenes in her life. Throughout the entire book, we never hear from Him, yet He is still working. It’s the same with us. Even though God may not seem like He’s showing up, He’s working behind the scenes. He knows what’s going on. He hasn’t forgotten. He doesn’t give up on us even when we give up on ourselves.

Today, give up on giving up. Be strong in the Lord. He’s there. He’s listening. He loves you. He knows everything you’re going through. Trust in Him.

Cheeia’s Story from CCCNEHQ on Vimeo.

Right after my last post, I spoke to my friend/roommate of what I’m going through. She said, “Maybe the reason you feel empty is because God wants you to search for Him.” Wow. I never really thought of it like that. Maybe the reason any of us feel empty/lonely/discouraged is because God wants us to try to find fulfillment, knowing He is the only one that can ever truly fulfill us. Yet, too often do we look in the wrong places.

I read this today and it really encouraged me:

Even though we don’t “feel” it, God is working behind the scenes. When we don’t see it, He’s doing something BIG. I don’t know how God can start something and not finish it. He’s a God that hears, answers, sees, and sometimes works in mysterious ways (who am I kidding, he ALWAYS works in mysterious ways). Whatever you’re going through, just remember that God has not forgotten. He is fighting for you, pursuing you, loving you even though you can’t see or feel it. His grace does not depend on how much we understand it.

On a different note, after praying for years about it, I’m finally going to Passion! It’s a huge conference in Atlanta, Georgia with some of the greatest speakers and worship leaders around. I’m incredibly excited. I gave up on the idea, but God recently re-opened the door for me to go. Even though we forget about our desires, God doesn’t. His mercy is just too much.

Sometimes,  people think that when you’re a Christian, everything is going to be automatically fine with you. You’re never going to feel empty, you’re never going to long for anything, you’re never going to feel discouraged. Maybe it’s just stupid satan trying to mess with me, but I feel a lot of these things a lot of the time. And honestly, I feel guilty for feeling them because I don’t see any of my fellow believers struggle with any of these things. It’s like they’re walking on some sort of rainbow where the rain never touches them. If they do struggle, it almost seems like something trivial that they get over in a day.

But, what about me? I’m discouraged and afraid for my life about 98% of the time. I constantly wonder if anything amazing is going to happen to me. I know God is my fulfillment, but I still feel empty some most of the time. It doesn’t change the fact that His sweet voice is calling out to me, making me aware that there is rest, assurance, and security in Him.

Maybe I’m longing for a place that I cannot go to on this Earth. I think of C.S. Lewis’ quote: “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” Nothing on this Earth is satisfying me. I desire more than anything to feel like the fulfilled Christian I know I should showcase to the world. But, Christianity is more than just a moment of euphoria — it’s an everyday battle for fulfillment in Christ. One that never seems to cease.

C.S. Lewis Song – Brooke Fraser

But, it’s all a lie. Because although we sin, God’s grace and mercy is bigger than that. It’s too much to take in sometimes. It almost seems impossible, really.

Recently (okay, today) I felt like a complete screw up. I knowingly disobeyed God, feeling as though I was spitting in His face. Even though I asked God to forgive me and help me turn away from my sin, I didn’t feel like asking. Why? Because I knew I didn’t deserve it. I still don’t, I guess. I felt like I didn’t want God to love me because He deserves way better than me. I didn’t feel worthy enough of His mercy and thus, didn’t even want to ask. I felt like a disappointment.

So, for the past two days I’ve been walking around with my head in the sand. I’ve felt like a disgrace, like the worst sinner ever alive. While I was in my own self pity, I felt like I should read Psalm 13. Here is what it says:

How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Honestly, I didn’t even feel worthy enough to read that verse and call God my Lord. But, I love what it says in verse 5 – “…my heart rejoices in your salvation.” What is salvation? Salvation is deliverance from the power or penalty of sin; redemption.

Woah.

How amazing is that? When we think our sin is too much, God is our salvation. When we are full of shame and disgrace, God is our salvation. When we flop, when we fail, when we stumble, God is our salvation!

His salvation, his deliverance, his grace and mercy, brings us to Him and allows us to sing praises to Him. Though we are unworthy, God is not angry. It says in Isaiah 12 that He has turned His anger away. He is not striking us when we sin, although there are consequences to sin. He is patiently and anxiously awaiting our return to Him.

Will you listen to the call?